A merry heart doeth good like a medicine Proverbs 17:22

 

The Perfect Church

I think that I shall never see

A church that's all it ought to be

A church whose members never stray

Beyond the straight and narrow way

A church that has no empty pews

Whose pastor never has the blues

A church whose deacons never deak

And none is proud and all are meak

Where gossips never peddle lies

Or make complaints or criticize

Where all are always sweet and kind

And all to other's faults are blind

Such perfect churches there may be

But none of them are known to me

But still we'll work and pray and plan

To make our own the best we can

 

How To Stop Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the congregation's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members

did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to

maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being
an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's
only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that
everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and
walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.


Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's
house....walked home....and left it there all night.

Don't ya just love ol George ...

 

What You Can Learn From 4 Worms In A Jar

An evangelist decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his revival message . He placed four worms into four seperate jars. The first worm he put into a jar of wine, the second into a jar of cigarette smoke, the third into a jar of chocolate syrup and the fourth into good clean soil.

As he closed his message, he went to the first jar and found the worm in wine was dead. The worm in the second jar with cigarette smoke was dead. The worm in the third jar of chocolate syrup dead. The only worm that remained alive was the worm in the fourth jar of good soil.

The evangelist then proceeded to ask the congregation, "What have you learned from this demonstration?" A little old woman in the back of the church quickly raised her hand and said, "as long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Road Rage

A man is being tail-gaited by a stressed out woman on a busy street.  Suddenly, the light turns yellow just in front of him.  He does the honest thing and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelarating through the intersection.  The woman tail-gaiting hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection behind him. 

As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up.  He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a cell. 

After a couple of hours, the policeman approaches the cell and opens the door where she is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal belongings.  He says, I am sorry for this mistake.  You see, I pulled behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you and cussing like a blue streak at him.  I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me To Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome plated fish emblem on the trunk.  Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.

Impressing St. Peter

A guy arrives at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted.  St. Peter is reading through the "Big Book" to see if the guy's name is written in it.  After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, scratches his head and say, "I am sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book".

"How current is your copy?" he asks.  "I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies,"why do you ask?"

"I'm embarassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type.  It was not until death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Peter says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through,, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guy thinks for a moment and say, "Hmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl.  I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor girl.

Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang.  He was a huge ugly guy; 6'4", 260 lbs. with a studded leather jacket and chain running from his nose to his ears.  As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me not to get too close or I would be next.

"So I ripped the leader's chain ouf of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.  Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone!  You are all a bunch of SICK ,deranged animals!  Go home before I really teach you a lesson in pain!"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow!  When did this happen?"  The guy replied, "About three minutes ago."

Two Preachers and Two Signs

Two preachers were standing beside the mountan road holding two signs.  One sign said "turn around before it is too late" and the other said "the end is near".  All the sudden a car came speeding around the curve and past the two preachers holding their signs and never slowed down.  All the sudden, there was a sound of screeching tires, the high pitch of twisting steel, the sound of breaking glass, and finally the crunch of metal.  One preacher said to the other, "do you think we ought to change our sign to say 'bridge out ahead' "?